Strange One from the Sea
by Winter Gunhands
Summary: A parodic Dagbertcentric story in which there is a lot of exaggeration and absurdity. First published fic.
1. Drowning

Wow, first published fic. Exciting.

* * *

"So Charlie, what's this I hear about you being this new kid's monitor?"

Charlie sighed. He was sitting with the usual suspects at lunch. "It's true. Just wait till you see him, he should be here any minute—that is, if he makes it to the table without another incident."

Fidelio frowned. "Incident? Like what? Is he a klutz, or a troublemaker?"

"No, nothing like that. So far he's been pretty good…" Charlie inhaled wearily. "It's just that—well, you'll see sooner or later. He's endowed, and it's a really impractical endowment…"

"Hi, Charlie. Can I sit here?"

The table's occupants looked up as one to see a tall, thin boy with pale blue eyes and greenish-brown hair that was, inexplicably, dripping wet. A large portion of his clothes were in the same state.

"Oh, Dagbert. Again?" Charlie pulled out a chair between himself and Gabriel, who scooted nervously aside. "So guys, as I was saying, this is Dagbert Endless. Dagbert, these are my friends."

The others introduced themselves, looking curiously at the damp new boy. After several long moments of uncomfortable silence, Fidelio voiced the thought they all dwelled on.

"Excuse me for asking, but why are you so wet?"

Dagbert didn't seem embarrassed in the slightest. "It's part of my endowment. I'm a drowner."

Gabriel frowned. "A drowner? What's that mean? You don't drown other people, do you?" (Billy scooted farther away from Dagbert's sopping sleeve.)

Dagbert smirked crookedly, picking up Charlie's glass of water to sip from it. "I wish. (Billy skittered to the edge of his chair.) No, it's nothing _that_ glamorous. It's a little hard to explain, but—"

The rest of his words were obliterated in a flurry of bubbling as water gushed out of the tumbler with more force than the average gardening hose, completely drenching Dagbert. Billy yelped, toppling off his chair completely, but Charlie didn't budge an inch.

"Basically, he's super-susceptible to drowning," Charlie explained, picking up where his charge had left off. "He can drown in anything, even half an inch of water, or so he said."

"Omigod!" Gabriel screeched, panicking. "Charlie! Aren't you gonna do anything?"

Charlie shrugged. "I could, but it won't matter much anyway. The last few times it happened the effect only lasted a few seconds."

"Things have started drowning him while you were with him? But he's only been here—"

"A few hours. Yeah, I know." Charlie looked a little embarrassed for his fellow student. "I guess it's connected to the tides. When the moon is making the tides higher, the effect grows stronger. That's what he said, anyway. Maybe this week's a neap tide or whatever."

"Um, Charlie?" Billy interjected. "Don't you think you should do something already?"

"What for? Dagbert said it usually stops on its own af…"

Charlie glanced over, then not seeing Dagbert on his chair, downward. Dagbert was sprawled on the floor, spluttering under a miniature Niagara Falls. He was turning what would have been a fairly attractive shade of blue on anything but a face.

"Oh. Sorry, Dagbert. Need a hand?"

* * *

Continued when I feel like it. Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing, and don't forget to review and tell me exactly what you thought.


	2. Clinging

After the gigantic puddle had been cleaned up (the 12-ounce tumbler had supernaturally managed to regurgitate at least five gallons of water) and Dagbert had changed into dry clothing, it was time for recess in the courtyard.

"Dagbert," began Charlie exasperatedly, "must you stick so close to me all the time?"

"You shouldn't complain so much, Charlie!" Emma remonstrated. "It's only natural that he should tail you. It's his first day, after all, and you're pretty much the only person he knows here. Besides, you're supposed to be responsible for him."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean he's allowed to walk around with his arms clamped around my neck!"

Emma sighed. "All right, I'll give you that. But do you have to be so petulant?"

"It's kind of hard to be in a good mood when someone's elbows are crushing your windpipe!"

Dagbert pouted and lowered his arms, clinging to Charlie's upper arm instead. "Better?"

"Not exactly."

Charlie sighed. It was beginning to look like a rather tiring day.

Three hours later, he was sitting on a rock just inside the ruin, not as alone as he'd like to be. Break time had come again and Charlie had still to be separated from Dagbert's fishy embrace. The smell alone was driving people off, and every time one of Charlie's friends came so much as a matter of feet near him, Dagbert either began sniping at them (not literally, thank God—yet) or glaring with such frigid fury that the unfortunate soul had to hurriedly excuse himself.

"Honestly, Dagbert!" Charlie cried after Olivia had stalked off in a huff over Dagbert's immense rudeness. "Are you trying to ruin me or what? Don't be so rude to my friends or they won't come around anymore!"

Dagbert lowered his chin to Charlie's shoulder, frowning up from beneath greenish eyelashes. "Why should they come poking around anyway? They're a distraction, don't you think? Nattering on about silly things when you're trying to teach me something important."

"But some of that _was _important," protested Charlie. "It's _all _important—they're my friends. _Anything_ someone I care about has to tell me is important."

"Do you care about _me?_"

Charlie goggled, fidgeting on the cold stone of the ruin's disassembled wall. How to answer _that_? "Um. I don't know you that well, but… I guess so? I mean…"

"Oh, good." Dagbert snuggled into Charlie's side. His long, bloodless fingers dug uncomfortably into Charlie's arm. "Then I'm telling you, let's not stop to talk any more. I'm sure there'll be time enough for me to get to know them later," in a tone that suggested exactly the opposite. "After all, your responsibility right now _is_ to acquaint me with the facilities. I'd _hate_ for you to get in trouble with the Bloors." One pale finger drifted across Charlie's shirt, tracing lazy ellipses over his heart. Charlie gulped.

"But I… OK. For today. But tomorrow I want you to be a little friendlier. Uh. To them. My friends, I mean. OK?"

_Anything to keep this 'training period' as short as possible…_

Dagbert smiled. Charlie had never seen anything less reassuring. "I'll try."

**Next morning**

"Dear God, Dagbert!" Charlie roared. "Please get out of my bed!"

"What's all the noise?" Fidelio sat up, groggy-eyed and messy-headed. "Charlie, what's the matter with you?"

"He's trying to kill me!" Charlie croaked, gesturing wildly at the offender, who was placidly curled up in Charlie's blanket with an aggravating smile beaming directly into his face.

"Rise and shine, esteemed colleague! What makes you say that?"

"For one thing," Charlie hissed, "you were trying to strangle me again."

"Nonsense. That's how I show my affection."

A silence of fascinating and unprecedented depth. "Really?"

Having had enough, Charlie pushed the over-friendly boy out of his cot and clambered off the mattress to get dressed, only to find his underwear soaking in seawater. It was obviously going to be one of those endless weeks.

* * *

Note: Ugh…

I see a world of possibilities opening up for all filthy-minded CRK fangirls… at least it's better than Manfred/Charlie. (coughWhatMakesYouTickcough) What?


End file.
